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November 20, 2014
Hi my name is Chriss. I am new to this forum. I have joined and learnt a lot from previous forums and have come and gone from the sites over the last few years but Im getting there. It used to be worse, the way it felt but through coming to terms with the fact that I developed a problem with the pokies, then dealing with the associated depression, highs and lows and seeking help where I could with counselling both online and elsewhere; I can say that I am getting better at picking myself up and learning and self help.
Its been over a year of not playing. Self exclusion from my local club 2yrs ago helped a lot. But an urge hit about 9mths ago, I had felt alone, very deeply stressed from a situation and blindly zoned out and found myself turning into some small bar on the way home. Then I went home, got my diary out and started writing again. Relapse AGAIN! and committed to keep going ahead with recovery. This week it happened again. I found myself in this other club sitting in the lounge after losing my money and was strong enough to just sit and think and talk myself out of there again. In the past I used to fall into great tears and depressive lows for days but not any more.
That's why I am here. I want to share my experience in a form of challenge to myself and also to talk about and navigate my way through understanding more about triggers and urges when it comes to gambling.
I am a pretty intelligent human being, I work hard and always try to overcome issues in life. We all have them, Right? No one is perfect and this is what it is being human. Learning and growing. But aside from many addictions and issues I have had to face the one of THE URGE that drives me to gamble has been the hardest one to resist. Its like an enormous wave that hits.
I have to say I am tired of going through this and coming out losing my savings. But I am committed to continue to take responsibility and learn as much as I can in the hope that eventually any future urges are weakened and I can find myself better able to change the thought patterns somehow and not let that wave take me.
I have to say I have a close friend who has lost far more than me and has taken measures and responsibility for his urges too. We don't talk much about it though because there is a quiet understanding I think that we are both trying and I can tell He doesn't want the pressure of talking about it endlessly, wanting instead to deal with it his own way. I respect him for that and what more can we do?
I would like to challenge myself to the 100 day challenge from now. In the coming weeks I hope to post more about what I learn as time moves forward.
28th of Febuary 2015 will be 100 days. And then hopefully the challenge can be set again.
OK so what can I say now to start, about those urges and how I felt them and dealt with them the last time they hit?
I felt tired and weak. It was late and id had a very busy day. We had unsettlement at work with jobs threatened and I know my days are numbered with the company I work with. Change is difficult and my mind was on overdrive. Id been trying for days to keep things mentally under control and kept thinking about money. Driving home I felt and kept thinking about this club up the road from where I was at the time. A thought entered, just a 50 and maybe I can strike a few hundred to play with. I remembered how I don't want to feel. But the need for feeling good overload everything. The need to be in a place of zoned out bliss. I found myself there. Fast forward and $600 lost later while I was trying to transfer the last of my holiday savings I went to sit down on the couch. I stopped and went quiet. I heard my own voice in my head say Chriss stop. Let it go. Money is gone. Cannot get it back. Take yourself home. We will deal with this like before. I am better than this.
And here I am. I know its hard to self talk but I have practiced and practiced and I continue to practice and persevere and That Positive voice in my head Is getting Stronger. I can vouch for that. It is possible.
Till next time. Thanks for listening and I hope that my experience and words are helping others because I so much understand what you are going through in your heads.
Take care everyone. Id love to get some feedback
November 20, 2014
So here I am again. Thought I d share this thought. This morning I was having a coffee and then this thought little thought in my head was creeping in pestering me reminding me of the savings I lost during my relapse the other day. Then another little thought was planning to get it back, just give it that one more go. My emotions were being stirred and swayed. I thought about my resolve and the note I left myself to challenge myself again to 100 days to Feb 2015. I just took a breathe and looked for something else to plan for the day ahead. Most of all to accept and surrender and appreciate where I am and what I have now.
November 20, 2014
Today Id like to share a moment of deep realization.
I have always seen myself as a very grateful person in my life. I have always felt and shown appreciation. But today I saw and felt these two virtues in a much deeper way. It was like a light bulb in my head lit up up my mind and was telling me to really think about gratitude and appreciation and I began feeling it deeper inside me and it gave me a feeling of security and trust. That feeling feels good and each time through out today where my mind wandered I brought myself back to the thought of gratitude and appreciation and I felt good again.
Just wanted to share.
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